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In which Sparky and Dai do what they do best: bend the PotO canon and have their way with it while it sobs brokenly and begs us to stop. For explanation, Dai was watching the movie with an inverted screen.

Daichu: I like how Erik is now glowing white
Sparky: HE'S MAGICAL 8D
Daichu: like his pure virginity
Daichu: and Chrissie is all dark green and tainted
Sparky: I lol'd
Sparky: cause clearly she's a whore
Daichu: huh
Daichu: I guess that means Raoul's a glowing white and pure virgin as well
Daichu: ...
Daichu: like unicorns
Sparky: /snrks
Sparky: This is why Erik and Raoul need to be together
Daichu: so they can be glowing white virginal unicorns together?
Sparky: Bet Chrissie slept with like...Buquet or something
Sparky: Yes
Daichu: I like how people think the moving arm candleabras are real
Daichu: when this scene shows they were obviously an acid trip
Sparky: Srsly?
Sparky: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE NOT REAL D8
Daichu: I'm sorry, they are
Daichu: they're people Erik caught sneaking around
Daichu: and he chained them up inside the wall
Sparky: ....
Sparky: That's better
Sparky: B(
Daichu: CHRISSIE, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE UNICORN
Daichu: YOU ARE NOT PURE
Sparky: ...
Sparky: /status'd
Daichu: c:
Sparky: Yay Andre strokes
Sparky: that sounds so dirty
Daichu: pfff
Sparky: Dont mind Erik
Sparky: Just stroking his Andre
Daichu: ha
Daichu: ha
Daichu: ha
Daichu: all the guys are glowing white
Daichu: UNICORNS EVERYWHERE
Sparky: OF COURSE NOT
Daichu: and Carlotta
Daichu: is green
Sparky: HA
Sparky: Which means she slept with Chrissie
Daichu: she looks like a Sesame Street reject
Sparky: fffff
Daichu: wait
Daichu: no
Daichu: Giry is a unicorn as well
Daichu: ....
Daichu: ....
Sparky: :T
Daichu: I guess Meg is adopted then
Sparky: Probably
Sparky: M. Giry does have a habit of picking up children from circuses
Daichu: oh, fancy
Daichu: Erik has glowing white ink
Sparky: Magical unicorn ink
Daichu: "The vicomte, her lover"
Daichu: HOW DARE YOU SULLY THE NAME OF A UNICORN
Sparky: Of course she has to blame Raoul
Sparky: So no one will suspect her
Daichu: ...
Daichu: I like how this story has suddenly turned into a bunch of unicorns seeking the taint of one girl
Daichu: ...wait, no, still the same story
Daichu: oop, that guy isn't a glowing white
Daichu: Red streak hair guy, how could you
Sparky: 8'(
Sparky: Go to the chapel and ask Daddy Daae's forgiveness
Sparky: I MUST SEE THESE DEMANDS ARE REJECTED
Daichu: I like how Erik and Raoul are the brightest and whitest of the unicorns
Daichu: ......
Daichu: and the darkest tainted man
Daichu: is the dwarf
Sparky: Well of course
Sparky: he's satan
Daichu: oh, right
Daichu: how could I have forgotten
Daichu: yes, take away Carlotta's phazon watter
Daichu: *water
Daichu: look Buquet
Daichu: a unicorn :o
Sparky: I think I'm ahead of you
Sparky: XD
Daichu: yeah, a bit
Daichu: everyone on stage is tainted
Daichu: obviously, this is offensive and vile
Daichu: the unicorns love the taint
Sparky: it does ahve adultery
Sparky: and gay overtones
Daichu: and so the purest of the unicorns expressed his anger
Sparky: Buquet
Sparky: the unicorn is chasing you
Daichu: in unicorn land, unicorns hunt the hunter
Sparky: and then you get dead
Daichu: unicorns can be pissy creatures
Daichu: Erik, that's not the unicorn way
Daichu: unicorns stab
Sparky: He didn't want to get anything on his horn
Daichu: I suppose
Daichu: you can't spell gore without... gore
Sparky: Buquet was full of booze and twinkies
Sparky: That would be a bitch to get out
Daichu: yeah
Daichu: nooooo
Daichu: Raoulicorn, don't be lured off by the taint
Sparky: TOO LATE
Daichu: oh god, there's black ash everywhere
Daichu: FLEE, RAOULICORN, FLEE
Sparky: And now Erik's pissed
Sparky: It's too late for Raoulicorn
Sparky: Erikicorn is pissed
Sparky: and will wreak his virginal havoc upon him
Daichu: .....
Daichu: it looks like the apocalypse happened
Daichu: or santa exploded
Sparky: Santa probably exploded
Daichu: NOOOOOOOO
Daichu: Erikorn did it because he was pissed, right?
Sparky: Yep
Sparky: caught the cagey bastard trying to leave presents
Daichu: bastard
Daichu: now there's bits of fried santa in everyone's manes
Sparky: Especially Chrissie's
Sparky: the hor
Daichu: aww
Daichu: Raoulicorn is the sweetest of the unicorns
Daichu: even to the HOR
Sparky: I see Erikcorn will have to get the taser :|a
Daichu: noooooo
Sparky: or the branding iron
Daichu: Raoulicorn is young and doesn't know any better
Sparky: Take your pick Raoulicorn
Daichu: D:
Daichu: D8
Sparky: Look if you don't learn now, you'll go around hugging all kinds of harlots
Sparky: That is not the unicorn way
Daichu: but but but the harlots know how to touch my horn :<
Sparky: THEY ARE NOT PURE B|
Daichu: I love how you can rewrite this based entirely on the visuals
Daichu: just ignore what they're all saying, just watch
Daichu: now it's a story of Erik protecting his herd from the temptations of the taint
Sparky: oh god
Sparky: /writes badfic
Daichu: /writes OMG THIS IST HEBESTEST FIC EVARS reviews
Sparky: Look at Erik all sad
Daichu: damn you, harlot flower
Daichu: I have lost another young stallion
Sparky: "SHE'S GONNA GET HER TAINT ALL OVER YOU."
Sparky: Erikcorn: Raoul ;A;
Sparky: Erikcorn: He was my favoritest
Daichu: Erikcorn: He had such pretty hair :<
Sparky: Erikcorn: YOU WILL CURSE THE DAY YOU TOUCHED THAT SKANK BECAUSE THE PHANTOM WILL SHANK YOUUUUU
Daichu: he screamed into the ashes of children's dreams
Daichu: old!Raoulicorn remembers the harlot who tainted him all those years ago
Sparky: Erikcorn is watching from afar
Daichu: obviously, Giry was the only woman he could trust
Daichu: for she was still pure
Daichu: oh no, the taint is on Raoul D:
Sparky: D:
Sparky: See that's what he gets
Sparky: for touching harlots
Sparky: Erikcorn will not take him back now
Daichu: unless he is cleansed
Sparky: Idk if that's possible
Sparky: Chrissie's like
Sparky: Queen of the harlots
Daichu: Erikcorn tries
Sparky: She was with Carlotta and Buquetr
Daichu: with baptism
Sparky: Buquet
Daichu: and god knows who else
Sparky: Prolly Andre and Firimin too
Daichu: ...
Daichu: yeah, Firmin is looking pretty tainted
Daichu: also
Daichu: Meg is looking really tainted
Daichu: ...new theory
Sparky: Because Meg is a prostitute
Daichu: Unicorns glow blue when they are really mad
Sparky: :O
Daichu: not blue
Daichu: cyan
Sparky: ffffff
Daichu: and Raoulicorn flees, terrified of the herd leader
Sparky: As he should
Sparky: THe herd leader has brought out his horn
Daichu: another theory
Daichu: that thing Erikcorn snatches?
Daichu: It's Raoulicorn's virginity
Sparky: :oa
Daichu: he takes it back to try and cleanse him
Daichu: come on, stupid boy, the herd leader is pissed off like woah at you
Daichu: oh dear
Daichu: I wonder what the herd leader's past will look like
Sparky: ....
Sparky: say it don't spray it duder
Sparky: uh oh
Sparky: Raoulicorn hath brought out his horn
Sparky: against his herd leader
Sparky: Erikcorn is most unamused
Daichu: how dare he challenge
Daichu: :o
Daichu: oh no
Daichu: no wonder Erikcorn was so angry at the tainted
Daichu: they were so mean to him in his youth
Sparky: Hitting him with sticks n' shit
Daichu: and so Giry hid the purest of the unicorns away from the tainted
Sparky: and in turn
Sparky: became pure herself
Daichu: unlike the other tainted ballerinas
Sparky: all of this
Sparky: needs to go in their wikis
Daichu: yes
Daichu: we need to do a quick write up of the story of the unicorns
Daichu: and put it in the wiki
Daichu: like... in the crack section or something
Sparky: yes
Daichu: oh no
Daichu: oh no no no
Daichu: Raoulicorn is so tainted
Sparky: Erikcorn is going to dispose of the tainted harlot himself
Sparky: by leaving her in a cemetary
Daichu: and now the Queen of Harlots is passing herself off as a unicorn
Daichu: what treachery
Sparky: God yes
Sparky: Erikcorn sees through her charade
Daichu: for only a harlot would be in this smog-filled place willingly
Sparky: Erikcorn: Look at that harlot /drives away
Daichu: god, this must be her citadel
Daichu: look at all the ash and smog
Sparky: And then Raoulicorn had to be stupid and chase after her
Daichu: maybe it's because she stole his purity and he went chasing after her to get some of it back...
Daichu: that's where her glowing whiteness came from
Daichu: and why Raoulicorn's looking so gross
Sparky: holy shit
Sparky: /just inverted her colors |D
Daichu: :D
Daichu: now you too can follow the story
Daichu: dammit, stop dragging Raoulicorn's purity through the ashes
Sparky: She can't help it
Sparky: She is a harlot after all
Sparky: Harlots have very little regard for unicorns' purity
Daichu: and so Erikcorn pretended to be the Queen's father, a demon
Daichu: but the cyan color of unicorn rage gave him away
Daichu: and Erikcorn, though his rage subsided to the surprise of how far Raoulicorn had fallen, leapt from atop the citadel to put the poor tainted unicorn out of his filthy misery
Sparky: But being in such close proximity of two tainted weakened the unicorn leader
Daichu: also, the cut he landed released Raoulicorn's liquid unicorn rage, and he gained the upperhand
Sparky: pfffft
Daichu: oh no
Daichu: Erik is covered in taint D:
Daichu: what happen
Sparky: He got too close ;A;
Daichu: THE HARLOT HAS STOLEN SOME OF HIS PURITY
Sparky: So the only way to cure himself
Daichu: WILL SHE NEVER BE SATISFIED
Sparky: is to kill the harlot
Sparky: Raoulicorn
Sparky: You're not just tainted anymore
Sparky: you're super tainted
Sparky: That means death
Sparky: this is the unicorn way
Daichu: that's what happens when you submit to the Harlot Queen
Sparky: /stares at Chrissie's hair
Daichu: it's like... glowing white wool
Daichu: Erikcorn knew his time was short, his purity gone, stolen by the Harlot Queen, so he planned out the murder of the tainted queen and the fallen unicorn
Daichu: this is Erikcorn's kind of play
Daichu: none of this tainted bullshit, and full of UNICORN RAGE
Sparky: Not just unicorn rage
Sparky: RIGHTEOUS UNICORN RAGE
Daichu: with only the prostitutes and HARLOT QUEEN showing their taint
Sparky: Erikcorn did this to weed out the pure and tainted
Daichu: he disguises his own lost purity to keep the Harlot Queen from discovering his plan
Daichu: Madame Giry recognizes him anyway, horrified at the signs of taint on him
Daichu: Raoul, too, is horrified, seeing the once great leader crippled like this
Sparky: it was the last ditch effort to save his lost herdmate
Sparky: and to put an end to the Harlot Queen's reign once and for all
Sparky: Erikcorn knew it was certain death for him. But hopefully Raoulicorn could be saved in time. Hopefully.
Daichu: for though he was fading fast, the leader of the unicorns hoped to save Raoulicorn's purity by turning the Harlot Queen's attentions upon himself
Daichu: Raoulicorn is distraught, understanding the great lengths the unicorn leader was taking for his sake
Daichu: Alas, the queen has seen through Erikcorn's ruse, and she rips away his mask, revealing the cancerous taint she had given him
Daichu: Horrified, the other unicorns flee as the Harlot Queen's wrath brings the theatre down on their heads
Sparky: The taint, so horrible, had distorted the unicorn leader's once beautiful face
Sparky: ...eh it wasn't that bad
Daichu: the taint hadn't had time to really make him ugly
Sparky: Piangi was tainted, Carlotta, eh had to die
Sparky: lol Piangicorn
Daichu: pfffff
Sparky: CARLOTTACORN!
Daichu: Rushing to the herd leader's aid, Raoulicorn's taint became more obvious as he descended into the sacred lair of Erikcorn
Sparky: Raoulicorn knew. He was Erikcorn's only hope. The Harlot Queen had to be destroyed.
Daichu: The Harlot Queen emerged, wearing her taint openly, for the final showdown between herself and the ruined unicorn leader
Sparky: Erikcorn was ready, ready to die for his herd and for Raoulicorn, his long lost love.
Daichu: Full of despair for his lost herdmate, Erikcorn gives the Queen Raoulicorn's virginity, forever ruined
Sparky: The Harlot Queen turns then to show Erikcorn how much his taint had spread. He was quickly falling to her power
Daichu: Erikcorn restrains Raoulicorn so he can't do something stupid while empowered by the cut in his arm, still oozing unicorn rage
Daichu: I think Erikcorn's taint has driven him mad
Sparky: He was the purest of the unicorn
Sparky: He was a speshul snowflake
Daichu: he couldn't handle the taint
Sparky: nope
Daichu: Weeping, Erikcorn realizes he cannot defeat her
Daichu: He has fallen too far
Daichu: now
Daichu: is Raoulicorn going to go with the Harlot Queen and destroy her himself
Daichu: or has he also fallen too far and goes with her to her citadel
Sparky: Despite his best efforts
Sparky: the taint was just too strong
Daichu: Having no more use for it, the Harlot Queen returns Raoulicorn's spent virginity
Daichu: Erikcorn weeps for his herd, doomed to fall to the Harlot Queen
Sparky: With Raoulicorn's spent virginity shed, the Harlot Queen took her newest slave and left the heartbroken herd leader to wallow in his pity
Daichu: Wrought with despair, smashes the magical unicorn mirrors and departs to die in peace
Daichu: well
Daichu: not peace, but something
Sparky: Or to take a dip in the replenshing fountain
Sparky: that he would've shared with Raoulicorn if he hadn't been such a whore.
Daichu: srsly
Daichu: Many years later, Raoulicorn visits the memorial for the Queen, a stone slab that told of the travesties the queen wrecked on the land of the unicorns
Daichu: He had been kept alive, miraculously, because Erikcorn had kept his discarded virginity, and he slowly regained his purity after the Queen fell
Sparky: Raoulicorn looks in disbelief for his former leader, but does not find him to his dismay
Daichu: this is even sadder than the original story
Daichu: poor Erikcorn
Sparky: /hugs him ;A;
Daichu: /strokes his pretty mane
Daichu: /doesn't care that it was a rug
Sparky: He just wanted to save Raoulicorn from the taint
Sparky: but he couldn't because Raoulicorn is a ingrate
Sparky: an
Daichu: foolish young unicorn
Daichu: it's okay to look, even to pretend you have the taint, but as soon as you get it for real, you're screwed
Sparky: 8(
Sparky: /snubs Raoulicorn
Daichu: aww
Daichu: he just wanted to be cool
Sparky: /SNUBS
Sparky: Daifu that was awesome
Daichu: god, it was
Sparky: I wonder if other phantom fans have awesome canon reviewing sessions like we do :|a
Sparky: phantom casts
Daichu: hah
Daichu: hah
Daichu: canon reviewing
Daichu: more like canon bastardizing
Sparky: |D

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