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Kagefacts: True facts about Kage.


1. Under kage's stubble isn't a chin. It's another fist.

2. Kage once took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

3. Kage isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Kage.

4. On his birthday, Kage selects one lucky child to be launched into the sun.

5. Kage can slam a revolving door.

6. KAGE DOES NOT SLEEP, HE FUCKS

7. Kage knows the exact location of Carmen Sandiego, because he fucked her.

8. Kage knows where Waldo is, because he fucked him.

9. Kage can divide by zero, but why the fuck would you want to.

10. Kage sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, because the dark is afraid of him.

11. The boogeyman checks his closet for Kage at night.

12. It's not madness, Sparta, or red sauce on pasta: It's Kage.

13. When Kage's fucking someone he doesn't like, he imagines they're Kage.

14. Kage cannot love, he can only not kill.

15. Kage can believe it's not butter.

16. Kage can touch MC Hammer.

17. Kage is the Music of the Night.

18. Kage beat robot unicorn attack.

19. There are two types of people in the world, people who suck, and Kage.

20. When Kage goes swimming, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Kage.

21. Robot unicorn attack didn't melt the heart of kage. Kage melted the heart of robot unicorn attack.

22. Kage does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Kage goes killing.

23. Kage has two settings: fuck, and kill.

24. A pretty cool guy, eh, on a boat and doesn't afraid of anything.

25. kage does pushups, he actually pushes the world down.

26. The square root of Kage is pain. Do not try to square Kage, the result is death.

27. In a fight between Darth Vader and Batman, the winner would be Kage.

28. Kage never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

29. A brofist from Kage is the highest form of a compliment, because he could have just punched your arm off, but he didn't.

30. Kage played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and won.

31. Guns don't kill people. Kage kills people.

32. When Sherlock Holmes can't solve a crime, he asks Kage.

33. When Sherlock Holmes can't solve a crime, it's because Kage did it

34. Giraffes only exist because Kage uppercut a horse.

35. Kage won all the Academy Awards.

36. If Kage wants your opinion, he'll beat it out of you.

37. There's no such thing as endangered species, just a list of animals Kage allows to live.

38. Global warming is only happening because Kage was cold and turned up the sun.

39. If you can see Kage, he can see you. If you can't see Kage, you may be only seconds away from death.

40. Some people eat frogs' legs. Kage eats lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

41. Kage ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

42. Crop circles are Kage's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

43. In an average room there are 1242 objects Kage can use to kill you, including the room itself.

44. If Kage is late, time better slow the fuck down.

45. Kage is what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

46. Kage does not procreate, he breeds.

47. It takes kage 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

48. Kage's first job was a paperboy. There were no survivors.

49. Kage isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.

50. In the medical community, death is called "Kage Disease"

51. Kage does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

52. Kage never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Kage".

53. If you spell Kage in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

54. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Kage were to fight himself, he'd win. Period.

55. Kage vs Joey Gazelle is, however, the end of all existence.

56. When you say "nobody's perfect", Kage takes it as a personal insult

57. Fuck the Hokey-Pokey, Kage is what it's all about.

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