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Handy-Dandy Failboat Survival Guide

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  1. The Captain is a great man.
  2. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM EROL.   (Unless you are Razer.)
  3. DON’T PISS OFF LILY . (Don't kill her, either. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
  4. Don’t kill crew. Seriously.
  5. Don’t kill anything that talks.
  6. Don’t kill anyone, for that matter. (Unless it’s Edward or Bella)
  7. Stay the hell out of Carnival unless you’re badass. Or Dethklok.
  8. It’s always Mess-With-Jak week
  9. The Captain likes birds. Don’t question it.
  10. Don’t eat Ponk if you’re a Jew. (Or Asad)
  11. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t set zombies on fire.
  12. Don’t go into Sergei’s unless Herz is in the kitchen
  13. Don’t fuck with the bees
  14. No, that is not a toy.
  15. Drink yourself stupid if you want to stay sane.
  16. BEWARE OF LOBSTERS. They're everywhere.
  17. Listen to Hajime's public service announcements. But they don't exist anymore because he's GONE. So everyone's fucked.
  18. Other passengers are not food, no matter how delicious they could possibly be. (LIKE WALL)
  19. If you're a small, talking primate, stay away from Samuel.
  20. Marshmallows are not poison.
  21. Your friends/lover/family probably aren't here. Deal with it.
  22. DON'T SCREAM INTO THE COMM.
  23. Never feed ducks cupcakes. Seriously.
  24. Don't argue with the Tachikoma. Even if you win, it makes you look stupid.

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